Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by DoodleLubber
Summary: Title pretty much explains it. Some sexual references.


**Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts  
**_Some sexual references _

150. Getting everyone into the great hall to do the time warp will not earn me house points. 

149. I will not tell sir Cadogan that the knights who say 'Ni' have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.

148. I am not the King of the potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.

147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power."

146. "Y'all check this-here ass out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

145. It is not necessary to yell "BURN" every time Snape takes a point from Gryffindor.

144. The whomping willow is not an ent-wife.

143. I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when I am sent to the headmasters office.

142. "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

141. I will not scare the Arithmacy students with my calculus book.

140. I will not start food fights in the great hall.

139. I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dust buster on Harry's lips to get him to do whatever I want.

138. I will not tell the first years that professor Snape is the voice of God.

137. It is a bad idea to tell professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.

136. I will not organize a Hogwarts fight club.

135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

134. I am not allowed to teach the first years to "the penis game" in the great hall during dinner.

133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "attack of the killer tomatoes."

132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wondering the hallways.

131. I will not steal Godric Gryffindor's sword form Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF" every time I apparate.

129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the common room.

128. I am not Xena warrior princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to first years as Tim the enchanter.

126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherin day.

125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary war in charms class.

124. I will not wear my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT" shirt to school.

123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

122. "Draco Malfoy takes it up the ass" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

121. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".

119. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the round table" for the Christmas feast.

118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.

117. Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

114. There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.

113. My name is not "the Dark Lord Happy-Pants" I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

112. Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.

111. I will not yell "Believe it… or not" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic transfiguration spell.

109. I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

108. I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the whomping willow.

107. I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

105. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

104. I will not lock the Gryffindor and Slytherin houses in the same room and start taking bets on which house will come out alive.

103. I am not allowed to give Gryffindors Pixie Sticks

102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore even if it would be amusing.

101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

99. I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell

97. I will not claim there is a prequel to "Hogwarts, a History".

96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.

95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition

92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff I will not wave my hand and state "These are not the droids you are looking for".

91. I will not claim my X-files tapes are "Auror training videos".

90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more then fifteen seconds I am to assume I am not allowed to do that.

89. I will not charm Hermione's time-turner to turn every half hour.

88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors.

87. A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.

86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

85. Ravenclaws do not find the sign "The library is closed for indefinite amount of time" amusing in any sense.

84. I am not allowed to lock Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter in a closet and see if hot gay sex will occur.

83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the ministry are here.

82. When asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH" may be correct but it is not the manor in which one should answer.

81. Calling Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

80. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney I prophesied her death.

78. Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster" not "My liege".

77. I will not refer to the accio charm as "the force".

76. There is not now nor has there ever been a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

74. I will not say, "Dude get a life" to Voldemort.

73. I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

72. When fighting death eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "there can only be ONE".

71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

70. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

69. Fist years should not be encouraged to befriend the whomping willow.

68. I will not impersonate a Swedish chef in potions class.

67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder".

66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of "Selsun Blue" into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.

64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

63. Using engorgio charms on certain parts of the anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, even for entertainment purposes.

62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Fire whiskey".

61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

59. I am not defense against the Boring classes Professor.

58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shaklebolt as "big black sexy auror."

55. Black Phoenix Labs does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "veela pheromones".

54. My name is not Captain Subtext.

53. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's head.

52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetic Corp.

51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda boy.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books she would have already said so.

48. I am not allowed to teach the first year to sing "a wizard's staff has a knob at the end".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me 'the pointy hat trick'.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make 'love potion number nine'.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

44. I will not owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected death eaters.

43. It is a bad idea to tell professor McGonagall that she takes herself to seriously.

42. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.

41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

39. Asking, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time.

38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.

36. I will not change the password to the prefect's bathroom to, "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

35. Any resemblance between the Dementors and the Nazgul is just a coincidence.

34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".

33. I will stop asking the Arithmacy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

31. I do not have a Dalek patronus.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

28. I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

27. I am not a tribble Animagus.

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean they are mine even if I yelled, "Pwned."

24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the school library shelves.

23. I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with coast-to-coast AM transcripts.

21. There is no such thing as were-thylacine.

20. I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms".

16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of muggle life.

15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

14. I will not start every potions class by asking my professor if today's project is suitable as a sexual lubricant.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defense against the Dark arts professor is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.

11. If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage of this fact and draw a dark mark on their arm.

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Myrtle an eyeful"

8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."

7. The giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule ball.

6. I will not go to class sky clad.

5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filtch's office is not appropriate.

4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

3. Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra-credit project for Herbology."

2. No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons nor will I insist that their house colors indicate they are "covered in bees."


End file.
